THINGs heard at our house, vol. ii

“Then he peed in my suitcase, separating the whites from the darks first.”

“How’s George’s health? He’s over eighty.”

“It’s good! He hasn’t done any drugs since he was seventy.”

“I was really good with the ladies for a few months at a time.”

“I popped a small pootie in the dentist’s chair. I don’t think he noticed.”

“He kept mixing up his ex-wife’s birthday with his dog’s.”

“Crazy doesn’t age well.”

“She was sort of a burden as s friend.”

“He was so bad as a Santa that people took money from his bucket.”

“I don’t know what happened in London, but now you’re so superficial.”

“When she’s not drunk, she’s a wonder.”

“Her idea of saving money is to never completely fill the gas tank.”